Fifty years should be celebrated. I have outlasted Nixon, the Edsel, the Cold War, and insanity. Okay maybe not so much the insanity. I now will call it, second childhood.

I am exhausted and would love to be sleeping, but the only time I can work is when the kids are asleep.  Early in the week, people are coming out to bring more stuff for the kids.  I have accomplished in a week two weeks what the parents never accomplished.  Reality check.  Kids are a responsibility and there are people out there you can find to help when you need it.  However, the day to day stuff is all up to you.  So I am cleaning, trying to work through the day to day needs, and see the bright side.  The funny thing, I never had children, flirted with wanting them briefly, decided I was not cut out for mothering. 

There is so much balancing.  A two year old has to have dozens of stitches because she doesn't listen.  Husband does a pity party...all about him.  Kids play loudly, gives spouse a headache.  He drinks to get over it.  Babies do not do much on command, but they do stare at you as though you have lost your mind if you try to make them.  I know how they feel.  There are tons of laundry and dozens of dishes to be done.  I am thinking about how days can be so long, how soon this will end, and if there are any possible reasons to believe his son will be a grown up before the kids are grown up.

I missed a very important event today.  The wedding of my boss.  It was important for many reasons, they are very happy, I have been around since nearly the beginning and saw the love bloom.  It would have been nice to be there for the ultimate moment.  I could have dressed up.  The food was catered by three of the best restaurants in town because of the connections of our business.  There were adults to talk to.  But here I sit, recovering from a 12 hour day of babies, sick children, jealous children, and cleaning.    Someone says my turn will come soon.  I hope people will stop saying that.  Every time they do, it just gets more.  At my age I should be seeing a plastic surgeon for fine lines and liposuction.  Instead I am seeing one for children's scars.   My turn?

Posted by: ginnygk at 23:31 | link | comments (1)

The experience is more than I ever wanted and I must admit that three are way too many.  I am a lot of things, and uncontrolled masochist is not one of those things.  The lessons learned are more important than I imagined.  Structure is absolutely necessary, rewards are easy, discipline is not.  Tuning out some things is essential.  Paying close attention to others things is not.  The reality is hard, fun, enlightening, tiresome, irritating, joyous, interesting, exhausting.

Watching a five year old run to the door of the school she is so excited to attend is very fun.  Knowing she is very smart and loves to work things out on her own is gratifying.  Watching her work out (by accident) that her mother left her homeless and hasn't cared enough to call or come by is horrifying.  One should never see that look on a child's face. 

Playing dress up is much more fun when it is someone else discovering a new use for an old used satin nightgown.  It is also embarrassing when she creates a perfectly put together look with things you cannot and you have had them for years, trying to figure it out... sigh...

Tomorrow they will be three again, for at least a while.  One mommy will come with them.  The fairy princess is back!  There will be Halloween to plan for and costumes to get.  Then a first birthday to give and holiday baking and planning to start.  Need to get to the layaway department for gifts so Christmas is somewhat normal.  There are shots due, shoes to buy, diapers to get (that is a never ending need) and life goes on...Too bad I can't just sleep through it all.

Posted by: ginnygk at 18:00 | link | comments (1)

Sometimes it is a minor thing, to get up, see the sun and feel the day will continue.  And some things are more monumental, personally monumental.  The past few days I have been blessed with a monumental.  I have such great friends.  I have received calls, emails, letters,e cards, from friends and some family, but mostly friends for my birthday.  Each of these emphasizes my feelings of security in a world both macro and micro where security is limited.  Each day brings new challenges for me and I don't like most of them.  But for a brief few hours I have been the recipient of words both spoken and written that show me I am not alone and people do care. 

All the gifts have been small but show that people listen to me and what I like and what I appreciate.  There is the lovely teapot, which is not for show, but for use.  The new mask for my collection and the ring and earrings that are both feminine and impractical.  I received my mother's pendant that she has worn for as long as I remember.  I got a gift card to use where I wish, which as if you know me you can guess, went to a book place (Amazon in this case).  I could write a book on the books I have bought in the last year.  Amazon Prime Rocks!

But the fact that so many people give of their time for saying and doing for me.  This is great!  One friend who has so much going on, another who is far away and has too much going on, another with a new job and so much going on, and another who is always too busy for his own good and working and has a new life working and new life personally, all made the effort and today, I feel well liked.  Good Day!

Posted by: ginnygk at 22:34 | link | comments (2)

This blog is concatenation because goodly parts of my existence are formulated based on this principle.  Case in point.  For a few weeks I have been chronicling my life of tribulations, as the bad piles up and the good is well, faded into gray.  First we have to refile for bankruptcy.  Then the stepson and three daughters must move in because they have nowhere else to go.  Men with children have a problem in homeless shelters.  Mothers and children may stay together, but fathers and children, especially daughters cannot always be accommodated.  Then there was the cut in hours to part time and the inability to pay for gas and other stuff forced me into unemployment.  The family moved in.  The bankruptcy payments are short, who can pay payments like that when they are unemployed.  The spouse finds he must have surgery on his hand, most likely, and that puts even more medical bills on the agenda, x rays and more doctor visits.  I can get unemployment, but it is $50 less than before, so that is another couple hundred we are missing.  and the piece de resistance'???????  The stepson gets arrested last night for peeling out from a light and when he is pulled over he is wanted on a warrant on a VOP because of a traffic ticket he got in May.  We now have three children in our house and no parent in sight.  One in jail, one in New York, and one who is just happy she didn't have to worry about her daughter since she is with us.  I know it isn' a full moon.  I have refrained from breaking mirrors, spilling salt, or walking under ladders.  I think I want to scream.  But after today, I am just too tired. 

Posted by: ginnygk at 23:43 | link | comments (1)

So they found Fossett's plane.  Kinda makes those gossipy, mean spirited people who said it was all a stunt look bad.  Rich, poor, good, bad, gossip makes it all seem like a story.  I do want to say the man may not be a hero to people, but he did live it.  He did so many things people just dream about.  None of them were things I wish to do, but to think he lived out his aspirations and expectations in today's world of greed, sloth, and rudeness is a feat to behold, in itself.  I am sorry for his passing, but I am glad it is most likely confirmed.  So petty, jealous people...HA!

Congress did not pass the bailout.  People at home didn't like it.  ummm people at home thought you were just bailing out the companies that were failing.  You did not explain that the failing you were bailing out was the economic foundation.  Though our basic policies are sound, our overall ability to meet the demands of trade and commerce are teetering.  Mostly because of the greed of a few and the merger and acquisition phase of deregulation that created too large companies and too little competition.  When five or six companies swallow every competition company, there is bound to be problems.  And loaning money on the American dream?  That only works when wages keep up with prices, which those of us in the trenches of middle and lower classes know has not been the case in decades.  Policies that are good for business mean the oversight agencies must be dilligent.  If it doesn't seem right, it ain't folks!  Now elected officials, read the damn thing and explain it better and vote on it.  You gotta pay it now, or pay it later.  Later always costs more.

Okay, he asked me to come in and do the books one or two days a week and we would work out pay.  Then he said if I didn't he would put an ad in the paper for someone parttime.  Then he said his mom might come in to run the business, which is what I was doing.  and now I am supposed to go in and show her what I have been doing, how to run the programs, and what I have set up so she can do it and find out how to integrate it better (can't but then ??????????).  So why did he ask me if I could come in and work? 

Time was, I loved my life and the people in it.  Every day was a new adventure, a new learning experience.  Politics was ridiculous for its often refusal to hear itself.  Not having a lot of money was okay, because so many things didn't cost a lot to do, have, or see.  Now the gas alone is a half day's pay to get to and from anywhere.  I no longer love my life.  I no longer think in possibilities.  I think what person that I know or do not know is going to come along to mess up what little I have?  What person is going to talk bad and make my life indirectly miserable?  What promise is going to be made and rescinded in nearly the same breath?

It is 3pm.  I am ready for bed.

 

Posted by: ginnygk at 18:04 | link | comments (1)