Fifty years should be celebrated. I have outlasted Nixon, the Edsel, the Cold War, and insanity. Okay maybe not so much the insanity. I now will call it, second childhood.

What do you do when failure rears its ugly head?  For me there has been much failure in recent months.  First a business that I put time, effort, and money into, has placed me in a position where I must file for bankruptcy, something I never thought I would have to do.  I do not have a fall job lined up, though I thought in several cases I would.  I passed half my qualifying exams, failed the other half.  One of the failures was not a surprise I expected it due to circumstances interferring with my ability to focus on it completely.  It does not mitigate the pain or the embarrassment of failing, knowing it was going to happen.  The notes and criticisms were the same I thought they would be when I read my work.  I would have failed me too.  It was one comment, how I disappointed she was with my response.  That really is hard to read.

My special internal self confidence is never high.  Most of the time it is pathetically low.  This has made worse those building blocks I was attempting.  Now I get to read and research those things already studied and try to discover the little elements that will get me through the test next time.  I hire an attorney to get me through bankruptcy.  I figure out how to work at a minimum wage job and make my bills and loan payments, until I find a way to reach an employer to hire me for real wages.  And I don't destroy anyone else in the process.  Okay, maybe just the fairy princess.

Posted by: ginnygk at 15:31 | link | comments (3)

There is a thing about pain, that when it stops it is bliss.  For weeks I have had my left arm in a kind of pain that one cannot describe, but combines numbness, throbbing, sharpness, aches, and pressure.  I was out of pain meds and had been for a while, so long in fact that my doctor could not find the last time he wrote a prescription.  I don't take them unless I have to, and then only a half.  Today I finally took one, half at a time and for a while, no pain.  I mention this first since the time it takes me to type is doubled, due to the cramping that signifies the pain is returning. 

I am ever so glad it is Friday.  The week is done and I can finally not go anywhere if I choose.  I have run errands and played taxi all week.  I have used gas I could not afford.  I have not been able to plan a day of writing or cleaning and catching up on things.  So I am changing the way I think about what needs to be done. 

I have a couple of more weeks of teaching this summer.  No fall teaching has presented itself as of yet, though there are some indications that it is minor possibility.  Also, no job at all has gone beyond the resume' submitted stage.  I have planned something with my best friend, tentatively, for the third week of August and hopefully I won't be disappointed.  Otherwise I intend to return to the things I used to do.  For a long time, I have realized, I allowed school to cover my loss of control over my life (those pesky qualifying exam grades have still not been received) and I will not allow the dissertation phase to control my lack of doing what I like.  I turned on the radio to jazz all day today.  No TV on in the house.  I bought a couple of small pieces of material, fished out the material that I want to use for myself and my granddaughter and now plan to sew.  I have several baby blankets to crochet.  Both my desks are cleaned off (relative to what they were) and I am filing bankruptcy on my business next week, if I can find an attorney I can afford. 

I intend to open a separate account for my income and some of my husband's so that I may save to do some trips.  I wanted and had been offered several fall conferences and found that beer, cigarettes, and lottery are obviously more important.  I also could not update my credentials or gain certification, again, because trips to the convenience store are better ways to spend the dime.  Another control issue to be sure, but one which I am not about to continue with.

The fairy princess leaves, either after the baby comes and the staples are taken out, or if she continues to treat her stay here as a nall expense, wait on my because I am a guest visit.  I won't feel bad either, but then I usually don't have a problem with racking guilt when I am acting correctly. 

In a few months I turn a half century of life.  I am not happy with myself, a problem of long standing.  I am even less happy with others, especially those who take advantage of me and my life.  I just hope this resolve lasts past Sunday.

Posted by: ginnygk at 04:21 | link | comments

Let's see, where to begin?  yesterday the doctor told me that I needed to get rid of more stress and to walk, more, especially when I have insomnia, which is about three times a week now.  The problem with this is, insomnia happens at night, not the most perfect time for a stroll, even if I could find a flashlight that works.  We have flashlights, about 10 of them, but J seems to have a fascination with them that tends to run them down.  He is a night person and uses them to pursue day activities at night.  Yet another reason to not have him at home.  And the fairy princess (nicer than the former term of slut) still sits on the couch (prone not upright) and complains when DAYS AND PASSIONS are interrupted due to important things like power outages, cable outages, or breaking news stories of importance.

Husband is better, actually smiles and you don't have to ask forgiveness for making a joke.  Which is a relief since sarcasm is my way of conversing on many subjects and those I don't use sarcasm for are usually things I don't or can't talk about with him.  (religion, politics, literature, flea medications comparisons)

To work with agencies that deal with children in Florida you now have to fill out a form and pay to get a letter of background screening acceptance.  Now I think this is good if you are in direct contact jobs with children, but to coordinate, work on a board, or otherwise be involved from an outer ring organization, this is another hassle or expense.  It prevents sexual predators and felonious types from interacting with children, but if you don't interact with children?  Maybe it is just having access occasionally to files with children's names?   okay, got some clarity here.  Still costs money.

If the problems with Hezbollah are on the border and in those general areas, why are the Israeli's bombing Beirut?  And does this now nullify the adage that countries controlled under democracy don't go to war with other democratic states?

X-box killers (though there were more belongings than that involved) are guilty.  Two younger boys seemed surprised as they read the verdicts.  Teach children to not be followers, to think for themselves. Don't follow the "important" guy blindly.  Ten lives lost, nine, very sad circumstances. (the seven killed and the two teens who got involved out of loyalty to a felon)

Two of my senior college students still confuse the Declaration of Independence and Constitution.  They are business majors and bankers...hide your money under the mattress...and remember I warned you!

Posted by: ginnygk at 19:30 | link | comments

I saw something so wrong in Wal-Mart yesterday...okay besides me being in there AND me buying items ("but they are the only place that sells our pool filters this time of year," she says whining).  It was instruments, not just a little tambourine or harmonica, not even so so snares...real honest to goodness flutes, trumpets, clarinets, and a trombone.  As a former geek member of a jr. high and high school band I say...THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH!  Instruments should be purchased from places that are overpriced or from little old ladies who had children in band.  Somehow saying, I got my flute from Walmart is more than geekified, it is downright, embarrassing.

A new doll baby, some purple plastic shoes, a purple "dress" that was probably a mistake from a lingerie run, and a purse with sequins, some bowls, animal cups and a sippy cup full of juice makes grandma's library a castle where one has tea parties with juice, manually (really more mouth and you really don't want to know) made and served and drank all the while using the binky to quiet the baby who is only heard by little girl mommies.  Haifa what?

Then breakfast with orange juice, clocks that spin and play music, french toast with syrup and ketchup (again, just move on), and the egg and potatoes off papa's plate.  Thankfully all prepared by someone else. (see previous paragraph)  Kinda cool she freaked a whole table of bikers by eating a lemon slice.  One can always use a posse of bikers.

No grades, no check (they forgot to pay the adjuncts), good news, bad news, someone finally on my side for a job.  Long week, leaps of fate and fairy tales.  I am so sleeping late tomorrow.

Posted by: ginnygk at 18:15 | link | comments

When I became an academic about ten years ago, I was told I would leave behind those I had previously dealt with, become concerned with other more important things than cleaning and watching TV, and question such things as love, faith, and meaning of life.  Hah! fooled them.

I do watch less TV, but that is because I didn't watch a lot in the first place and my TV is now commandeered by others who have squatted in my home for heaven knows how long.  Currently it is being used as a playmate and turned to Nick or Disney. 

I have more questions, yes, but about what faith can bring, not if it is something to continue with.  I was never good with the cleaning thing either, so that has remained on par.  The meaning of life and the people in my life have remained rather stagnant though I have gained a best friend who is marvelous for support and those discussions I love.  I will admit I now converse on things higher than nonsensical, but then I can still do that as well. 

Love however is the difficult thing.  I have discovered more understanding and different loves.  These are material items, physical items.  Humanities was a great wake up class.  I used to want to tour the South, and I still do.  But now I want to see many parts of the world as well.  I want to help those in my neighborhood and those in remote places.  I always knew I loved to teach others, now I understand the importance to me and my soul to continue it.

Love of people has taken on new meanings as well.  I now have a granddaughter who makes most days worth getting up for.  I cannot imagine being more infuriated and yet more astounded and proud than when she accomplishes something, after breaking or damaging heaven knows how much before she does.  I have come to love the stepson from hell and even like his mother.  None of that has anything to do with education.  I still don't tolerate stupidity for stupidity sake.  I love my husband, but find special love for another who makes me laugh, think, and go up a notch when writing.  Both have made me question what I believe and what I will allow in my life.  I have a friend who struggles with the same kind of problem and I wonder if it is because of the age we have reached.  I don't think our education plays a part.  Neither one of us finds the "other" man in an academic setting.  Both of us find ourselves searching for something more in our lives. 

Maybe that is the education.  We can now look at others from a vantage point of expanded horizons, unlimited directions to go, and see beyond our mothers' way of life.  My life is now and yet I wish I had made a few changes in the past that would have led me to a different life, person, love.  And then dinner time comes and family is ready to meet and I am conflicted that this life is mine and I led myself here, so it cannot be all bad.  Academically speaking of course.

Posted by: ginnygk at 16:06 | link | comments (4)

This would be a lost day.  I got up early, but then after running a few errands in town, which is a trip of 45 minutes each way, I came home, took a sinus pill and fell asleep.  While I was sleeping, a thunderstorm dumped a river of water in our yard.  It actually took more than an hour to drain, most unusual.   I got up in time to eat and then get in the car and go run another errand.  Don't know where the day went.  Only thing I do know is the shuttle came down and it was beautiful.  Amazing flying.  The shuttle lift off and return is big here in Central Florida and no program, news or other media event or program interferes with our coverage.  I get to see it lift off from my house, in the distance, and when it returns by a north to south route, hear and feel the sonic booms of landings.  I have on several occasions gone to the beach to see it lift off.  It is a most amazing sight. 

Granddaughter returns tomorrow for the week.  Whirlwinds and small children are the things that give us reason to rise each day.  Mostly because they jump on you, shout and pull you kicking and screaming from the sleep you crave after yesterday's adventures.  I think I will keep my door locked.

Posted by: ginnygk at 03:29 | link | comments (2)

Is there anything better than Sundays?  I don't get the newspaper these days, which is a bummer, but I have books, from the library, and from school library.  There is laundry in the washer and dryer and though I really hate putting clothes away (which explains the various piles in my bedroom and closet), I love the smell and feel of clean laundry.  I have removed the linens from the bed and it awaits a clean set as well.  Nothing else to do, but listen to some music and read.  Well there is lots to do it, but I choose not to.  I wanted to go to see my parents, but they had plans.  The phone was out until about ten minutes ago, which I found was back on because the bill collector called.  It is difficult at best to get payments from Florida to California or Arizona on time. 

My horoscope says I should do some me time.  I think I will for the next few days, though it will be interrupted over and over, but I plan to put the "others" in my house to work doing stuff.  The fairy princess is sleeping until 1 or later every day now and I find it particularly irritating that she moved in, promising to be more productive only to again stop after day two. Moving furniture and doing the yard work along with other chores of the evil type a mother-in-law can come up with should be appropriate retaliation for her pain in the ass behavior.  I have to take the son back and forth to PT and work, but otherwise I should be able to do what I want.  Then at the end of the week, I may have recovered enough to clean the office and finish putting away the files and papers that were used for the quals (which I have six weeks later, not gotten the results of) and filing bills for both the former business and the current household.  I am within a mere thousand or so of getting back on track billwise (house only), and hopefully that will be complete next month. 

But being abreast of bills, rested mentally, less stressed is not my normal way of life.  So one may consider this a fairy tale.

Posted by: ginnygk at 19:34 | link | comments (1)

BadDayAlert!  Something set the alcoholic from hell off and the outcome was one important test done and one skipped.  Which throws off the entire rhythm of his doctor visits.  Worse, the doctor involved is going on vacation till the first of next month, so the entire episode will probably cause yet another delay in a firm answer.

Did I mention JOB HUNTING SUCKS?  Each application to a school is at least  five pages and then there are the additional recommendation forms, former employment verification forms, transcripts, teaching philosophy, resume' and certifications.  I just submitted three, totalling 67 pages.  Oh and for some you have to submit individual letters of interest for each job and another resume', another 14 pages. 

The other day I had one of those days where everything led to something else and nothing got done.  I started cleaning off the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed from where I sleep.  I had gathered forks, spoons, chips, and a cup and so decided to take it to the kitchen rather than put it on the bed where 4 dogs were resting.  When I got to the kitchen of course the bedroom table was forgotten when the counters needed to be cleaned off and the dishwasher loaded.  I saw the towels and dishcloth needed to be put in the laundry, so off I went where I found the chair covers that needed to be put on the chairs to protect them from the currently sleeping animals and found the cup and baby toothbrush which went to the bathroom where there were three pens.  I picked those up and took them to the office where I looked up the bills to pay and two folders of articles I want to read for my dissertation and moved them to the library.  I then went to the bedroom and got the two books to go with the articles and returned them to the library, decided I wanted a cup of tea while I was reading and went back to the kitchen to start a cup and then realized the counter was wet and I had to dry it with the clean towel which was now too wet.....finally it was time to take J to work....thank GOD!  

So how was your week?

Posted by: ginnygk at 15:10 | link | comments

On June 28th I received this first note, from a friend, mentor, peacemaker.  It is perhaps one of the most compelling pieces on the situation in Israel a few weeks ago.  It is therefore not something you get from the news.

Summer Rain

I woke up at 1:45 am, to the sound of "booms" from Israeli tanks. I
live 20 minutes from the Gaza Strip, in Israel.

Less than a year ago, we disengaged from Gaza. I watched the entire
disengagement on Israeli TV - where it was broadcasted around the clock
on channels 1, 2 and 10. On the roads near my kibbutz, I saw hundreds of
orange flags, orange t-shirts, and hundreds of young people trying to slip
into Gaza, to somehow try to put off the inevitable. I saw how, in less than a
week, the Israeli Army dismantled all of the settlements and sent the 8,000
settlers and a few more thousand of their supporters back into Israel's pre 1967
borders. It was done with amazing calm and non-violence. I saw how when there
was a will to pull out those settlements, it was not only possible, but it
was possible within a week!

Now, 10 months later, we are back in there, in that poverty-stricken
and so much demolished strip of land that is just about as close to Hell as
one can get on this earth. We are back in Gaza, waging an attack on the
Palestinians, after the Hamas led their attack on an army post in Kerem Shalom,
inside Israel's borders, which killed 2, seriously injured another, and took
Gilad Shalit, a soldier, as a hostage.

We Israelis name all of our attacks. This one is called "Summer Rain."

It never rains in the Desert in the summer in Israel; the land becomes
very brown and parched until December when the rains begin again. Rain, in
the desert, is always considered a blessing.

Are the generals telling me that should I be thankful that we now have
some 'rain'?

I have been awake since 1:45 and the booms continue. I can hear them in
my kibbutz, which is a 20 minute drive from the Gaza Strip.

On Sunday, a seminar on the Jewish Israelis who emigrated from Ethiopia
was held at the Sapir College, which is located across from the town of
Sderot.  This area gets hit by kassam rockets every day - usually between 5 -
10.  Participants who came from around the country were told that they
needn't fear  coming to the seminar. One of the organizers told me: "We held it in
the bomb shelter, so it was safe".

I am sure that they had a very interesting seminar...

We kill them and they kill us, and the cycle goes on and on and on and
on. It is a completely senseless and cruel war. We Israelis no little security
and the Palestinians surely know none.

Like Gilad Shalit's mother, I too have a son in the IDF. Gilad is 20;
my son is 21. Having your child taken hostage by the Hamas is probably any
parent's worst nightmare. How exactly does the Prime Minister, the Minister of
Defense and the Chief of staff of the IDF think this attack is going to ensure
his safety? How does blowing up bridges, taking out electricity, and
killing civilians ensure anyone's safety?

Sad to say, but today I am glad that my son is now stationed in the
north of the country...

It is now 9:35 in the morning in Israel. I have been hearing the booms
since 1:45. This is a senseless and cruel war, and after living here for 34
years, I have no words left to describe how tired of all this I am and how this
endless war is killing all of us - Palestinians and Israelis.

Julia Chaitin

Within three days we received a note from the director of our program that Julia would not be returning to teach.  She had decided to stay in Israel.  It seemed strange since she could actually teach from there, but she is a writer and scholar, working on new stories of the ongoing wars and problems....then yesterday, this:

To everything there is a season?

Dear all,

We now have a war in the south and in the north. We have been at war in
Gaza for two weeks and, as of this morning, we are at war in Lebanon, after
the Hizbollah shelled northern Israeli towns and agricultural settlements,
and abducted two Israeli soldiers, who were patrolling the border.

Channels 1, 2 and 10 have brought this war into our homes since 9am.
Today, on these three television channels, there is no regular broadcasting. We
have non-stop pictures of tanks and planes and soldiers. The Israeli navy has
entered Lebanese waters. On the television, we can hear the booms, and see the
clouds of smoke and fire. During the day, we have heard the voices of Israelis
whose towns are being shelled, as they speak to us from their bomb shelters
and 'secure' rooms. The television broadcasts emergency numbers for the
hospitals where the wounded have been taken.

I can now hear the booms and the planes in Gaza from my house and see
and hear the booms and the planes in the north on my television.

I have shut off the radio, for one can take only so much war. However,
all day long I have been reading Haaretz (www.haaretz.com - one of Israel's 3
main newspapers) on the internet, where I can follow the news flashes
(sometimes, one every 2 minutes).

I can now have both wars in my quiet kibbutz house.

I do not write this to analyze the situation. Right now, all I have is
my fear and a need to try to share this awful, awful feeling with others, who
are as helpless as I am in bringing an end to this ongoing, never ending,
inhumane conflict between Israel and our Arab neighbors.

Today, I received an email from Brit Tzedek V'Shalom - The Jewish
Alliance for Justice and Peace - in which Rafi Dajani, the executive director of the
American Task Force on Palestine, writes about the current crisis in
Gaza:

"If there is one consistent thread in the history of the
Israeli-Palestinian conflict, it is that there is no military solution for either side.
Neither buffer zones, the firing of Qassam rockets, collective punishment,
suicide bombings, or targeted assassinations will result in the capitulation of
one side. The only possible solution is a negotiated political one, based
on the establishment of a truly independent and viable Palestinian state based
on the 1967 borders with its capital in East Jerusalem, living in peace with
Israel."


If there is one consistent thread in the history of the conflict in the
Middle East, it is that there is no military solution. For the sake of all the
people living in the region, the Hizbollah, Hamas, Fatah and Israeli
government need to negotiate solutions; there is no other way.

There is only so much war and killing and destruction and hatred that
people can take.

Up to last night, the war was currently in Gaza. It is now in Lebanon
and the north, and in Gaza. And tomorrow?

Julia

I wish her the peace she would like to see and the safety of her family and herself.

Posted by: ginnygk at 15:14 | link | comments

Are weed eaters really worth all the trouble?  the string breaks, the darn things are impossible to rethread and the string is expensive.  Cuticle scissors...cheaper, faster, less frustration.

Looking for work is like dating.  You put yourself out there, say the best that you can about yourself, meet for a while with someone who may or may not be interested, and go home and hope someone calls.  Then get the message they found someone better.  in other words, depressing.

I love these things...

1. FIRST NAME? Ginny

Posted by: ginnygk at 23:17 | link | comments

I read Americans are the Most Patriotic.  Okay.  I know we like to have days off for Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, and the 4th of July, but when you look at the reality, it is not quite for patriotism.  I have no doubt we are patriotic, we come together over tragedy (9/11, Katrina, Florida hurricanes of 2004), but I still have some issues.

How many people actually take those days off in November and May to go to ceremonies to celebrate the war heroes, dead and alive?  Not  many.  We sleep in, go shopping, barbeque, go to the beach, the park, but do not seem to have time to attend the special services given for the people who have made and still make the freedoms we have possible.  (Do not start with Iraq and how does this pertain to our freedom...that is another long story.  And how many knew that the CIA had disbanded the unit looking for bin Laden, last year?  Yep, we are on it!)  I remember about when this started to break down.  When I was a child, many years ago, our bands played at those events.  It was hard to get up and go, yes, but we did.  And the ceremonies were remembrances  were moving and special.  Fields of green with white stone markers and hundreds of small flags were powerful reminders of how many we lose and almost lose in the fight to maintain our freedoms.  About ten years after I left school, a band director "forgot" he had a date with a Veteran's Day salute.  It happens every year, he had the day off, and he forgot why he had the day off?  The fallout was swift and loud.  But since, the American Legion finds it harder and harder to get not only a band (I think they gave up on that), but also a small group or lone trumpeter to play Taps.  How sad.  And since school now ends in early May, well that takes care of Memorial Days.

We love fireworks, and spend thousands on them.  But we are more concerned with the spectacle and how many duds there are, than on the reason for the celebrations.  We make a big deal out of BBQ's and food, where to go, travel costs, and all the other vacation elements and I do not believe I have heard a patriotic song in months, maybe years,  not associated with the beginning of a game or race.  Wait, I did hear one, at my father-in-law's memorial service...last year.  It is not only the fun, but the sale.  In some cases, the July holiday is not just about the sales for the current holiday, but we now are so uninvolved in the reason for this season, that we approach it from the status of the December season.  How sad. 

I am sure we are still patriotic, but would it hurt us to go to celebrations of heroes? hear music that is patriotic beyond the "Capitol Fourth" and "Boston Pops"?  Stop complaining about names of festivals like "God and Country Day" or National Birthday Celebration"?  It is not the Toyota Celebration of the 4th of July...or is it?

Posted by: ginnygk at 18:47 | link | comments (1)

The heat is oppressive, but it is the first of July and we will not see an end to it until late September or maybe mid October.  My house is a battleground, yet again.  I do not know how to stop the ongoing rages that swirl around me, trying to pull me into the vortex of red and black.  I look for work, somewhere, anywhere but here, knowing full well I probably would not be able to take it if offered. 

The dog snores, loud.  This would not seem to be unusual, but she is only about five inches tall, round, and actually does not have a flat nose.  But she is the loudest thing in the house at the moment, since the silence of anger is pervasive.  The neighbor's baby, who loves us and coming here, today only cried.  I hear the other dogs pacing, not knowing where to land, whom to lie near, whom to offend. 

The lady from the Jehovah's Witness that comes once a month, stopped while I was gone in the heat.  She left magazines which I read, because religious ideas are my next area of study.  I look at the bibles on the shelves in front of me, various styles, for youth, for moderns, for adults, wondering if there is an answer in them. 

I am a conflict resolutionist, though I cannot control the conflict in my own home.  I have given over to the fact I am able to take care of myself though supporting myself seems iffy.  So I sit in my room and write, hoping someone will give in and celebrate the holiday.  I do not think this will happen, because the heat is oppressive and not likely to break until fall.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

Posted by: ginnygk at 21:43 | link | comments (2)

I believe in fairy tales, Santa Claus, and small magical creatures.  It is one of the things about me that others do not understand.  I believe there are miracles and heroes just because we need them.  I believe in princes who ride in and save the day (okay, not so much this one, but at least I know you are paying attention now).  I have superstitions and think some old wives tales are based in fact so we should look at them closely before we discard them.

Unfortunately my life has no real magic these days, but it did at one time.  For a long time.  I was happy and it showed.  Now I am not and it shows, usually around the hips, thighs, and upper arms.  I used to have these great, nonsensical conversations with people, about nothing and everything, important and inane.  Some were for mental practice, others were for real. Days were made up of weather, ideas, interaction, some chores, and music and laughter.  Not much of any of those anymore.

I am not unhappy.  I am not sad, angry, or disappointed.  I have myself in a place that just is.  Almost numb.  Almost waveless.  Almost dry.  and now there are floors to mop and things to do, so the volcano cannot erupt because of something I can control...volcanoes make waves in the air, the sea, in your heart.

Posted by: ginnygk at 15:48 | link | comments (2)